New Year Resolution for an OK Boomer

After a few weeks of waking in the middle of the night from heart palpitations, I decided it was time to check in with my primary care physician to confirm that my body parts were aging gracefully.

An assisting nurse asked me the ubiquitous first question, “Mrs. Gay, has anything changed since your last visit?”

“Other than thinking everyone is a dumbass, I’m having a little trouble sleeping through the night.”

Being a professional, she politely ignored the first part of my response and inquired about the second.

Because my civility filter hasn’t completely eroded, I apologized for my language as she wrapped the blood pressure band around my arm.

Later, recalling the nurse’s surprised, nonverbal response to my surly answer, I realized I’d become the crusty curmudgeon who instills fear in children and causes adults to roll their eyes. Oh. My. God. I’ve become Red Forman from That ‘70s Show.

Getting older is not the cause of my Tourette’s like symptom. I’m quite certain of it. Something more perverse is causing my recent increase in coarse language and undignified behavior.

I have a bad case of CDM—common digital mediaitis—a condition brought on by the over consumption of dubious, and mostly unsubstantiated, drivel seeping out of my smartphone from the gluttonous troughs of social media applications and entertainment news broadcasts.

My recovery plan to restore the cheery disposition that people know and love me for is the focus of my 2020 New Year’s resolution. From this day forward, I’m channeling Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” pledge to abstain from swearing and to forgo my obsessions of reading about everyone else’s opinions on why Harry and Meghan are leaving the family business.